The Healed Becomes the Healer: My Story of Healing & Spiritual Awakening

Hi. My name is Nani Solares, and I am many things and nothing, all at the same time. I didn’t always view myself this way. In fact, it has taken 21 years to get here. It’s been years of emotional healing and spiritual seeking that have brought me to this paradoxical reality.

In February 2002, I came to a dramatic crossroads in my life. In reality, it wasn’t much of a crossroads, since that word denotes a sense of competing paths. For me, that moment was one in which I saw no path forward, no light at the end of the tunnel. It was on this day in February of 2002 that I found myself at the most hopeless point in my entire life, praying for death.

About a year and three months prior, I had experienced a major blow. My fiancé and boyfriend of seven years decided to leave me for someone else—four days before our wedding. I should mention that I wasn’t exactly the picture of mental and emotional health prior to the breakup. Quite the opposite, actually.

Back in the day, I proudly considered myself a party animal. Of course, I saw nothing wrong with it at the time. It felt like a rite of passage, youth living life to the fullest. In addition, I suffered from a slew of mental and emotional problems, including but not limited to horrifically low self-worth, addictions and substance abuse, and massive codependency issues (though I had no idea that codependency even existed).

In Dave’s defense (that was my fiancé’s name), we were toxic together, and the only reason I stayed in that relationship for so long was because of my codependency issues. I didn’t believe anyone else would ever love me; that’s how bad my self-worth issues were. So, I clung to him like white on rice. He was my security blanket—hardly the love of my life.

Dave left me in November 2000, and by February 2002, I had my famous “nervous breakdown.” That’s what I call the breaking point in my life, which turned out to be the most important day of my life. Were it not for the almost imperceptible gap between the moment of utter hopelessness and darkness and infinite hope and light, I may not have made it out that day.

In the span of about twenty minutes, I went from having one of the worst days of my life to falling on my knees in despair, praying for God to take me, to experiencing a supernatural encounter with God that forever changed my life.

Earlier that day, I could not have told you any of that was going to happen. I just woke up with a hangover. The day took a sharp turn for the worst, however, and ended terribly. Driving home from work that evening, I felt utter hopelessness. This led me to ask God, out loud, to please remove me from the planet if He didn’t have anything better in store for me. Suddenly, it felt as if the small thread holding everything together snapped, and I knew I couldn’t keep it together for even one more second. This terrifying thought caused me to spiral further, leading to my nervous breakdown.

I think the caveat in my prayer about “having something better for me” reflected the tiny glimmer of hope in me—a minuscule part that still wanted to live and believed things could improve. I believe that may have saved me that day, not from death necessarily, but from despair and further pain and decline. Only a few minutes later, I found myself in the fetal position on my living room floor, asking the Divine for help, strength, and guidance. Lo and behold, help came in the form of an undeniable encounter with God. And the rest, as they say, is history.

In my moment with God, I received a renewed sense of inner peace and strength to move forward, along with guidance regarding my next steps. According to God’s message, Twelve Step Recovery was step one for me. I had no idea I had substance abuse issues; I just thought I liked to have fun.

So, you can imagine my surprise at the directive I received. Nevertheless, I hightailed it to an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meeting the next day, where I started my powerful journey of healing and personal growth.

I attended AA for six years, along with other 12-Step groups, where I not only got clean and sober, but also learned so much about spirituality and wisdom for life. I particularly learned about the pervasive nature of codependency in my life. Every step of my healing led me deeper and deeper into my journey of overcoming codependency, which allowed me to find my true self and inner strength.

Additionally, just before I started AA, I had begun my undergraduate work in psychology. This allowed me to see that things were already happening behind the scenes on my behalf, leading up to my nervous breakdown. These set the stage for my spiritual and emotional awakening that fateful day in February. My life changed in every possible way. So much so, that my life prior to that February feels like it belonged to a completely different person. In addition to my radical healing journey, I went on to graduate with my Master of Science in Psychology in 2005, and I’ve been working as a psychotherapist ever since. Thus, the healed becomes the healer.

What’s interesting is that, since I had nothing going for me prior to my awakening, I staunchly defined myself as a party girl and did so expertly, I might add. But when I woke up and started my healing journey, I immediately felt like I was home. It wasn’t the party life that was authentic to me; it was the journey of spiritual and personal growth that was my true life’s path and continues to be to this day. Partying was simply something I did to escape the pain.

For me, healing from codependency is paramount to self-realization. I’ve written my own theory of healing codependency, which I currently teach in my psychotherapy practice and YouTube videos. I’ve also written a book, which I’m still editing. My working definition of codependency is as follows:

Excerpt from Chapter One of my book, Healing Codependency: A Spiritual Journey to Your Higher Self.

“Codependency is a pattern of dysfunctional and maladaptive behaviors that affect people on various levels: 1) Our relationship with ourselves, which affects our (a) self-identity and (b) our self-esteem; 2) Our relationships with others; and 3) Our ability to self-actualize, i.e., to reach our fullest potential in life, and to achieve personal growth, goals, and ambitions…

This is the working definition I developed after extensive thought about how best to describe the construct of codependency as I’ve come to know it.”

In my theory, codependency issues are caused by an inner and spiritual disconnect from our higher self, which is our inner spiritual, energetic, and eternal self. Our higher self is our chi, the life force within us. When we are cut off from it, we are deprived of vital healing and life-giving energy, leading to emotional and physical illnesses. Furthermore, we are cut off from our soul, which is another word for spirit or higher self, and thus we lack true guidance, wisdom, and insight into our true purpose. As a result, most people walk around feeling empty, unhappy, and purposeless.

In this diagram, I depict the different parts of the human being, from the outermost and most superficial to the innermost and deepest:

  1. The Body – the physiological organism, bodily systems and functions, and the human nervous system (including the brain).
  2. Psyche and Personality – what constitutes the individual’s current perceptions and interpretations of self and reality, the personality as the individual currently knows it, and the individual’s mental and emotional experiences (including the mind).
  3. Soul/Spirit/Higher Self – the energetic and spiritual identity of the individual, and the personal experience of that energetic and spiritual self in day-to-day life.

 

Codependency issues affect all areas of our lives and relationships. This stems from a disconnect between the human personality and psyche, and the individual’s soul—their eternal self. In my theory, I call this the “chasm of self,” which creates what I refer to as “the codependency trap.” This trap is an incessant quest for identity, happiness, esteem, and security outside of ourselves. I call this “living from the outside-in.” As a result, we become hopelessly dependent on people and the world around us to constantly validate our worth and identity, and to make us feel okay. This only leads to further disconnection, as people become increasingly lost in the futile attempt to find themselves externally.

In my theory, true self, identity, esteem, approval, happiness, and security can only be found from within. This happens when we start living from the inside-out, by fostering a deep and intimate relationship with ourselves and our connection to God. As we do this, we heal our self-esteem and, over time, our personality. We also discover our true, unique path and purpose in life. Gradually, we lose the compulsive dependence on external validation, leading to greater emotional healing and freedom.

From my perspective, life itself is a spiritual journey (not a religious one) that begins with the awakening of our soul. Codependency issues are signs that our soul remains unawakened, drastically affecting our human experience. If you don’t believe me, just look around. How many people do you know who are truly happy and fulfilled? Sadly, there aren’t many. But those who have experienced spiritual awakening can attest to the limitless peace, joy, and meaning that can be found through the inner journey of the soul.

Ultimately, my story is not one of addiction, emotional illness, or even brokenness—though I could easily have been labeled those things in my past. My story is about being disconnected from my soul, grasping at external solutions to alleviate the pain and angst of daily life. Until one day, when I could no longer take another step, and the façade of control and fun came crashing down. In that moment, I accepted the help that was offered and opened myself to a new way of living. And just like that, a new path appeared.

Today, as I continue to live a completely sober life (by choice now), I have healed all my emotional wounds, recovered from depression and anxiety, and work daily to shine light in the world. These principles guide my life:

  1. I am here to fulfill my soul’s destiny. I am led, guided, and shown the way from moment to moment through my spiritual journey.
  2. I am here to share my life’s message with the world in any and every way available to me.
  3. I bring light to the world because it is my purpose—expecting nothing in return.
  4. I live in constant, conscious contact with God through my inner God-self connection, and through prayer and meditation.
  5. I strive to master the ego in all its forms:
    • addictions and compulsions
    • codependency
    • mental obsessions, evidenced by the programs, templates, and scripts my brain created to feel okay or give my life meaning (these create a false reality and rob me of the only true reality—the present moment).
  6. I release attachments—those things the ego clings to for identity and happiness.
  7. I fully embrace each moment as it is.
  8. I share each moment with the souls God brings into my life, without expectations or the desire to control people or circumstances.
  9. I surrender my self-will each moment, knowing that God’s plan for my life is far more glorious than anything I could imagine.

As you read my story, you will understand why I say I am many things and nothing at the same time. My human life consists of many powerful and beautiful roles and experiences: therapist, spiritual seeker, teacher, daughter, sister, friend, aunt, niece, and more. But none of these define my true identity, for my identity is spiritual. It is not the physical world that defines me, but the nonphysical. In that sense, I am nothing—no thing.

This may not make much sense to you yet, but to me, it is the only thing that makes sense. Ultimately, the physical world—our experiences of pain and suffering and the search for more—leads us to discover the profundity and fulfillment found in what we cannot see, hear, or touch. That journey requires faith. But then again, doesn’t every moment of this thing called life require some level of faith?

NANI SOLARES
786-803-7922

My primary focus in life is my spiritual journey, which directs my choices and work as an author, psychotherapist, and inspirational speaker. I’m passionate about personal and spiritual growth and have firsthand experience with the mental and emotional issues that affect people. I believe in the inherent power within each human being and the importance of mastering our minds, as our thoughts create our reality. My counseling work and teachings are centered around helping people discover their true identity and reach their innate potential. I believe that the journey of life is to love, learn, and self-actualize, and it brings me great joy to help others heal and grow.